Prioritising Others Without Burning Out

Over the years, I’ve seen several people experience what might be described as “burnout”. That thing where someone is mentally and even physically fried and feels that they cannot keep going. There are usually various factors at play. Perhaps mental health stuff, physical health stuff, work stuff, marriage stuff, family stuff, friendship stuff, community stuff. And it’s really tough. A person has been going hard, and then all of a sudden has to stop.

Recently we’ve been working our way through Philippians at church. I’ve been struck by the way Paul keeps going, prioritising the gospel and the needs of others. If anyone is likely to experience burnout, it’s Paul. Just check out 2 Corinthians 11:23-28 if you don’t believe me. And yet he keeps going. And he calls us to do the same thing.

In Philippians 2:3–4, he calls us to humility. And by this, he means prioritising the needs of others above our own:

“In humility value others above yourselves, not looking to your own interests but each of you to the interests of the others.”
Philippians 2:3-4 [1]

Then in 2:17 he speaks of being “poured out like a drink offering”. But he is glad and rejoices in this.

So what does this mean for us? Are we just to keep pouring ourselves out? Just push through all the pain no matter what? Just give, give, give? Here are four reflections.

1.    We Are Finite

Firstly, we are finite. There are only 24 hours in a day, and we need 8 of them for sleeping. That leaves us with 16 hours to do stuff. We’re called to do stuff in those 16 hours. There’s only so much we can do. There are all of the basics of life we have to manage just for ourselves. The basic biological reality of being a human being means that we only have limited capacity. We simply can’t do everything. We can’t put the needs of every single person we ever meet above our own. It’s not possible to do that for the X Hundred people you know.

2.    We Are Called to Prioritise Others

But, secondly, as we read above, there is a clear call to prioritise the needs of others above our own. So, we need to do that. We need to value others above ourselves, looking to their interests above our own.

A lot of people are nervous about burnout. They’ve seen other people burn out. And they don’t want the same thing to happen to themselves. We’re nervous about overcommitting. And so we become really guarded.

There’s a certain wisdom to this. After all, when Jesus says, “Love your neighbour as yourself” (Luke 10:27), he assumes that we’re going to love ourselves.

A strong argument can also be made that loving ourselves is essential to loving others. If we burn the candle at both ends, we risk diminishing our capacity to love others.

But we have to be thoughtful. Because Paul still calls us to value others above ourselves. And he sets us a model of pouring ourselves out for the gospel. And Jesus calls us to love our neighbours.

If we’re too “careful” and set up too many boundaries, we can easily slip out of an other-person-centred-mindset, and into a me-centred-mindset. I reckon I’ve allowed this to happen myself, and I think I’ve seen this happen to others as well. We can become so concerned with taking care of ourselves that we fail to obey God’s commands.

And yet, if we fail to take care of ourselves, we can also fail to obey God’s commands because we compromise our capacity to give to others.

We have to live with this tension in mind.

(Yes, I know they’re all on the wrong side of the road. But I needed a free photo of a guy riding a bike up a hill. This was the best I could find.)

3.    Burnout Can Often Be Pre-Empted

But a third point, which has been really helpful for me: burnout can often be pre-empted. I say often recognising that this is not an always thing. But I stand by what I said. It can often be pre-empted.

 Recently, my son has started riding his bike to school. He mostly does pretty well. But there’s one point where he always runs out of steam. On the hill just next to the Willowdale Hotel in Denham Court. He gets to a certain angle of inclination on the hill where he realises that he can no longer continue riding. And he hops off his bike.

The warning signs were all there. He’s seen me ride up this hill before. He’s seen me make adjustments as I’ve ridden up the hill. If he looked up, he’d be able to see that the hill is coming and prepare to make adjustments.

 Similarly, with us, there are often warning signs for us. You find yourself starting to feel more stressed than usual. You notice you’re feeling more tired. You notice the level of conflict in key relationships is on the rise. You notice you’re feeling a little more down than usual, or anxious, or agitated, or excitable. You notice you’re eating more, scrolling more, watching more TV. Exercising less and spending less time with family and friends. You’re dropping more balls. You’re snapping at people. People are asking, “Are you ok?” Those sorts of things

None of these things necessarily mean you are officially “burned out” or that you’re on an inevitable road to personal destruction. But they may be indications that you need to pause and reflect.

Am I starting to ride up a hill? Is this hill likely to get steeper? What am I going to do?

4.    Capacity Can Grow Through Gear Changes

This leads to a fourth reflection: capacity can grow. And it often changes through a series of small gear changes.

When my son is riding his bike up that hill, he’ll usually hop off when he gets to that particular point of inclination. But he’s worked out that he can still keep going. It’s just that he can’t keep going the same way. He has to make adjustments. He either needs to walk for a bit until the angle of inclination changes, increase the power hitting the pedals by standing up and riding, or he needs to adjust his gears. To his credit, he doesn’t (usually) throw down the bike, cross his arms, plonk himself on the footpath and refuse to get back on the bike.

Often, when someone starts to notice the burnout warning signs, or if they realise they’re in the thick of it, the temptation is to do just that—jump off the bike and give up. I know. I’ve experienced the temptation.

But capacity can grow. However, it usually requires a gear change of some sort. Working this out has been a game-changer for me. And for other people I know.

 On a bike, when you see that a hill is coming, you have time to make the necessary gear changes. When you get to the steep bit, you’re then able to keep going. But you've got no chance if you’re still on the highest gear.

When you see a big hill coming, you don’t need to make a massive, colossal change—like trading in your bike for a Ford Raptor. You need to make lots of small changes along the way. Lots of small gear changes.  

Here are some of the gear changes I’ve made or seen others make. Changes that have made a difference.

a.    Bible Reading and Prayer. When I’m stressed or struggling, Bible Reading and Prayer are easy things to drop. Because they take time. And nobody will pull me up on it if I don’t do them. But these are the things that I need most. Who is best in position to help you? God. How does he speak to you? Through his Word. How can you talk to him? Through prayer. Even if it’s just five or ten minutes a day, this simple gear change makes a difference.

b.    Meeting With People. When stressed, it can be tempting to cancel meetings with people. Whether with friends, sporting teams, Bible Study, Church—those sorts of things. Sometimes, these can be the source of our stress, too! And yet, these things are exactly what we need to manage the stress. Especially Church and Bible Study groups. We need to hear the Word of God with other people, be encouraged by others, and encourage others. This can really help.

c.    Exercise. Admittedly, this isn’t one of my strong suits. At least, not all the time. But I know that when I get into good exercise habits, I feel a lot better. I’m better able to weather the storm. I feel more motivated. Capacity increases.

 d.    Diet. Again, not one of my strong suits! But when I eat well, I generally feel better. My body works better. Capacity increases.

 e.    Sleep. We’re really hitting the life basics here. When I was 19, I’d often be up at 1 am or 2am. And then I’d wonder why I was always so tired. Once I realised that my body actually needs 8 hours of sleep a night and that I need to be asleep at roughly the same time each night, I was much better able to manage life. Netflix and YouTube documentaries are the biggest obstacles to good sleep for me. When I’m stressed or down, I’m more likely to watch TV later into the night. And then I’m more tired the next day. And I feel more stressed or down. Capacity decreases. The inverse is true too.

f.      Task management. For a long time, I was able to wing task management. I didn’t need a system. I could keep it in my head. When I started my current role, I felt pretty overwhelmed by the number of tiny tasks I needed to complete. An email here, a text message there, a WhatsApp group here, a Messenger conversation there. On any given day, there could be 70 discreet tasks that I need to complete to do my job. On top of several meetings.

I tried using a few different task management systems, but they didn’t work for me. The system that worked for me: email myself *the moment* I think of a task and set up recurring emails for recurring tasks that need to be completed.

Because I’m committed to being Inbox 0 (something I encourage everyone to commit to!), this means that I have unread emails yelling at me until I complete them.  

I like this system because I have my email on all devices. I know I can get to-do lists across multiple devices, but these aren’t as in-your-face as emails. I can just not look at a to-do list. I can’t not look at my emails. This was a game-changer. It has significantly increased my capacity to get things done. I feel much less anxious knowing that I’m not constantly forgetting key tasks.  

 Also, if I’m overwhelmed with the number of unread emails (tasks), I’ll “snooze” the less urgent or important ones to a later date and focus on the higher priorities.

g.    Calendar Management. Admittedly, after a while, the task management system started to get a bit overwhelming. I found the number of tasks I needed to complete a bit much. I realised I needed to sort the tasks more effectively. This could be done with my calendar. Most of my tasks can be sorted into various categories, e.g., phone calls, youth stuff, recruitment stuff, safe ministry stuff, Night Church stuff, and sermon stuff.

So, I started setting aside an hour for each of these things that I knew I was going to need to do, and I’d snooze the various tasks until it was time for that set of tasks. I also realised that I’d need to schedule a fair bit of time for “miscellaneous tasks”, as a number of my tasks don’t fit neatly into a category. I spend at least an hour a day on miscellaneous tasks.

I found that this gear change significantly reduced my level of stress. I didn’t have to get overwhelmed by having 70 unfinished tasks for the day. I could now manage it into sets of 5-20 tasks that I needed to complete in an hour. Much easier.

 h.    Home Management. The home management piece is one I’m still working on. I reckon it’s a big one, and one that people don’t talk about as much. If home is disorganised, it’s pure stress. Especially with three kids under 6! Emma and I are constantly thinking of ways to manage this more effectively. Whether it’s a better system for storing and managing toys or a more effective strategy for sorting clothes. Sorting out the home takes a lot of time and energy. But not sorting out the home increases stress, and therefore decreases your overall capacity.

We’re always on the lookout for small tweaks in my household management to make things less stressful. Emma and I are crazy busy over Sundays, and we noticed a few times that we’d run out of milk and bread when Monday morning came around. To avoid this, we now have a default Coles order for the basic groceries we know we’re going to need on Monday morning. We schedule this mid-week, to be delivered on Sunday night.

i.      Relationship Help. Relationships are tough. Most people have at least one significant relationship strain at any given point in time, whether at work, at home, in the extended family, or with a close friend. This can be a lot to bare. When someone tells me that they’ve burned out, there’s nearly always a significant relationship breakdown.

We need help with our significant relationships. The most obvious way we can seek help is through family and friends. Sometimes family or friends won’t be the best people to go to, especially if they are involved in the tensions. We don’t want to get into relational triangles. Sometimes we need someone completely external to the situation. A counsellor, mentor, coach, therapist, psychologist, or professional supervisor. I meet with someone each month. I find this really helpful for managing the relationship tensions that arise across the various domains in my life. By managing these relationships more effectively, I’m able to spend less energy on feeling stressed, and more energy on stuff I’m keen to spend it on.  

j.      Visiting the GP. Sometimes, the gear change needed may involve a trip to the GP. Especially if you’ve been feeling unwell—whether physically or mentally—for some time. It might be that the gear change involves some medication. If you need it, you need it. Over the years, health concerns have meant I’ve needed to talk to the doctor about medication. I’ve generally just done what they’ve said. Admittedly, medication hasn’t always helped. But most of the time, it has helped a fair bit. A decent boost to my well-being and, therefore, to my overall capacity.

I’m not saying that someone experiencing burnout will see all their problems go away immediately if they follow these ten steps. That’s stupid.

However, I am convinced that a series of small gear changes over time—like these—can make a significant difference.

The temptation can be to give up on the bike and replace it with a truck or helicopter. Or go just give up. Sometimes, one of these options may be necessary. But often, all that’s needed is a series of smaller gear changes. That’s really all I’m trying to say here.

If we make small changes here and there, we can increase our capacity for stuff, and, therefore, our capacity for serving others.

[1] All Bible citations in this article are from the NIV.